If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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