That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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