Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Of course I have a pirate flag
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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