i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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