i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
