I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
