You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
