Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
