I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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