And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
