So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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