my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
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