I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
