be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
no. you can't hotbox the world.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
