If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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