I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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