Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize