if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
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