I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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