it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
it glows. i had to have it.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
