i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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