she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Randomize
