New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
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