the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
