dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize