Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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