i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
