Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
