i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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