I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
My life is pants optional.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize