I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Did I show you my penis last night?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
