Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
