Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
