Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
