My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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