I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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