how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
