They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
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