Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
ugly people sure do ruin things
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
i think my cat just said my name.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
