What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
