awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
