I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Randomize
