My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
