I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
