I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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