How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
