That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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