The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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