You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
