So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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