Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
