my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
