Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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