He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
