Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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